This article analyses the understanding of sexuality and women in Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code and compares it with the one offered by the Catholic encyclical Humanae Vitae. It does so against the background of the four dimensions of the real as advocated by Todorov and others. The first part of the article analyses how, and explains why, by grafting women and nature on to the religious—the first via child-birth in chapters 55–58, the second via sex in chapter 74—Brown’s text runs the risk of objectifying women, de-naturalising sex, and de-individuating sexual encounters. The second part of the article highlights the similarities and differences between Brown’s novel and the Catholic encyclical. Both texts are shown to work in surprisingly similar ways, as they both denature sex, make much of sacrifice and sexual continence, and defend a teleological view of sex. Ultimately, however, differences prevail, as in both texts the understanding and use of teleology on the one hand, and the value conferred to individualisation on the other, differ widely, emphasising the coherence—although a radical one—of the Humanae Vitae and the lack of coherence of The Da Vinci Code.